Well finally after all these years the good life caught up to me. I started to put some extra space in the "waste" area. I have known for awhile now that I needed to go on a diet but was not sure where to begin. I had tried a few of the "Six Pack in Six Days" diets that are so popular on the cover of mens health… of course with no luck. Ever notice those covers? Every month pretty well the same. Either "six pack in six days" or "foods that burn fat while you sleep" then there is the "Make her do what you want" or "the secret to the wildest sex ever" I finally got smart and just bought three issues. Then every month a grab a different one of those issues. Since most of what I read goes in one ear and out the other it always feels just like the latest issue. Saves money and paper.

     Anyway I wanted to lose some weight so hit the net. Well before long it was pretty easy to see that there are a million different diets. Most of them say all the others are wrong. There is enough fighting and arguing about it all to start another war! On top of that have you ever noticed the ads a lot of diet companies use? Almost every one has a grey haired guy in a white coat, glasses and a stethescope around his neck holding a clip board. In fact if you got a good memory you will find that its the same guy's image in a lot of different companies!! It appears as if that guy is a educated doctor who has studied this diet for many long years and has concluded that this is the ONE. The truth is he is nothing more than a male model who failed the grade to get a role on Zoolander. Sold his image to some cheap online photo resale place and now tries to eke a living out of it. 

     Well either way the odd time a person will try one of these diets and find it works. Then like most born again religious fanatics they start thumping their particular "bible" or book of healing. If there thumping is loud and impressive enough they usually end up working for that company as a spokesperson.

     So anyway after awhile a thought hit me, my grandfather, who died at 97, outlived all the doctors he knew that warned him about the dangers of drinking and smoking non stop. Almost everyone I know has a similar story about their grandmother or father. He ate what he wanted when he wanted and washed it all down with cigarettes, beer and whisky. I then realized that maybe that is the trick… just eat what I want and say fuket… After all he was living proof that it worked… at least for him anyway. Of course since I was not man enough for the cigarettes, beer and wisky part I had to come up with a plan I could handle. After all I knew if it was going to work I would need a plan that I could stick to. One that was easy to remember. The diet had to be simple and consist of foods that I loved.

     Well here was my final plan. First I decided to drink at least two double long shot Americano's a day. I always feel good after consuming an Americano... simple choice there.

     Next priority was to eat 3 or 4 candy bars a day. I have always loved candy bars. In fact could never get enough. As a kid I used to dream of having access to endless amounts of candy bars. As an adult though I was brainwashed into believing candy was bad. In fact at one point I beat the cover off of the book "Sugar Blues by Duffy" to all my friends that would listen or tolerate me. That was actually back when I still had friends.

     Finally for the rest of the day I would just try to eat as much raw food as possible. I love raw foods! In fact I have always loved raw foods. When I was a kid eating carrots fresh out of the garden was like a dream. Raiding the neighbors apple tree was also a favorite pastime. I could have lived off of sour un-ripened apples.

     Well three months later I look like hell… course I looked like hell before so no change there. My waist measurement though is down 3.5 inches!!! I have more energy than I ever had in a long time. Food tastes better than it ever did. I am sleeping better than I have in a very long time also. I wake up in the morning totally refreshed and ready to go. My regular 5k runs are way easier. I feel happier, more relaxed and on top of it all have built up a huge collection of candy bar wrappers!!! Oh there has been another little side benefit. That is I am no longer worried about the peptides in my hemoglobin screwing up my estrogen levels which we all know causes weak wrist muscles!!!!!!!

     Now this is not a diet you would want to advertise since it would likely kill most people who tried it. The Mothership told me that the reason it works is because I was no longer worrying about food so much all the time. They told me this is why there almost no anal-vegan centenarians. (anal-vegans are vegans who thump their bible to every one they see. I was an anal vegetarian for years but eventually gave up on the thumping part) The stress created from worrying about everything they eat kills them. They said in the eons of watching earth they have never seen so many weekend scientists who think the know all the chemical functions of the human body. They are all frantically trying to figure out what to do based on information that is often done by companies trying to sell something!!! I laughed since it is true. Sit at any café for a few minutes and if there are any people there over 40 you are going to hear references to all sorts of bodily terms. This is all done desperately in order to explain why they or others are having so many problems with their bodies. 

     My guess is most "anal-vegans" would roll over in their hemp t-shirt if they heard about this diet but hey it's been working for me. Most of those would also claim I am going to die… and yes they are probably right. After all dying seems to be the most popular way to leave this dimension. Once again according to the Mothership almost everyone leaves this way. Either way I am feeling better than I ever have… plus it's fun!! I feel like a kid again except without some nagging mother holding me back from all the candy bars I always wanted. Yes.... just another day in paradise!