The Art of Pissing and the Pinball Urinal

     A lot of people wouldn’t think so but there really is an art to pissing. Well ok maybe not an art but a lot of tradition and custom to it. I have always found the process very weird. The human male is a pretty strange creature.

     Way back when I was a lot younger and smarter I started noticing a lot of these weird things. One thing that stood out when I was in high school was guys liked to take a piss together. Kind of a good buddy thing I guess. I would be at some party and sure enough one guy would break for the door to take a piss and one or two other guys would tag along. Of course this was not likely the same in the city as country folk would just step outside and water the lawn or flower bed or something. I used to think how strange is it that they both would have to go at the same time. Of course it was not all weird. Part of it was to assess the situation, discuss who was looking at who etc. get moral support to pursue some sweetie or whatever. Just the same though it always seemed weird and quite frankly I was more than happy to take a piss by myself. I would often wait until it looked like everyone was drained and sneak out quietly. My dad always said a good man can hold his water so I built up a strong bladder.

     Of course it was not cool to go into a washroom with your buddy but outside was fine. I would see guys do this and standing side by side let'er fly. I would always wonder how they handled it. Anyone who has pissed in the nude has felt the splash back on their legs and feet. Here are two guys standing there splashing back on each other. Quite frankly I was more than happy to not have some other guys piss on my shoes and pant legs. I often wondered if maybe those guys had some kind of fetish or something. I know this ritual was not just for country folk as most public washrooms, more common in the city, were designed with urinals side by side real close like. If you had good pressure, aimed low in the urinal you could probably splash back on the person on either side of you. I remember often walking up to a bank of urinals and taking the one to the far right. Another guy would come in and unconsciously stand right next to me, as if I were his buddy or something, habit I guess. Back then I used to think most guys must have liked getting pissed on by other guys.

     A lot of guys had to get around this because of “shy bladder” That is where one cannot get the flow going in the presence of other guys. These types had no choice but hold or break it alone. I have had it happen a few times myself and is real strange. You have to piss like crazy and then when you try to go nothing happens as long as someone is standing there. Insecure may or maybe just survival instinct since one is a little more vulnerable when taking a piss, especially if you don’t like the idea of pissing on yourself or having someone pissing on you.

     I should point out that I in no way am against guys pissing on each other. Who cares and each to his own I have always said. For me though, I am not keen on the process so have sidestepped that bit of male bonding or custom.

     On a side note I had a great gag I would pull back then at least in the winter anyway. Usually when no one was paying attention I would sneak outside to take a piss. Thanks to my dad always telling me a good man can hold his water I built up good bladder volume. I also had great aim so what I would do is head outside and then in the snow where others would see it I would write out the name or initials of some guy in the party. I would then sneak back in hopefully without getting noticed. Eventually some other guy would go out and notice the yellow initials or name in the snow and then tell everyone. Of course no one would suspect anyone other than the guy. After all what guy would write another guy’s initials in the snow. It was the perfect frame job. I ended up getting a few innocent guys razzed all to hell over it! All the while they were getting punched they were pleading innocent!! Yeah right sicko! They would all be saying.

The Pinball Urinal

     I remember when I first moved to Nanaimo I came up with this idea for the pinball urinal. This was to be installed in public washrooms but mostly at pubs and bars around town. What you would do is when you had to go you would punch in your game. This would be volume, aim or pressure and then drop in a quarter. If you hit volume then the urinal would measure the volume you had and give you a score to go with your code name. High man Friday night wins a beer. The same apply for aim. There would be a flapper inside a small hole that you would have to aim into. The longer your stream stayed on that flapper the higher your score. The pressure game would just record how much impact the stream was hitting the sensor. Since I figured guys were so obsessed with pissing on and with each other why not make a bit of a competitive sport with it. I still think the idea has possibilities especially since washroom design still has not changed much, which of course says guys still must like the urine on their shoes game.

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The Silent Washroom

     There is another thing has had me wondering about. That is the silent washrooms. If you live in North America chances you should have noticed by now that 90% of all washrooms are stone silent. I think the same group of guys who like pissing on each other must have designed these washrooms. In this modern day and age of music and ambient sound why is it I have to listen to every “plop” “fart” and “sploosh” of the stranger next to me. Hey it’s not my fetish and yet I am stuck with it. Not only that but because I can see his shoes in the stall next to me I can also smell his bowel dysfunction as well!! Once again each to his own but personally I am more than happy smelling my own gasses let alone mixing in someone else’s whom I have never met. I am surprised that they don’t put windows between the stalls so they can get an even better look! They are putting advertising monitors in washrooms now so maybe in the future we can even get instant replay!

     This is all crazy since I have been in very fancy hotels that have obviously spent a fortune on those dead silent washrooms. You can tell they had their own reasons for designing it that way and never likely considered what the user wanted. I know I have never been part of a survey that asked on a scale of one to ten how much do I like breathing the gaseous emissions of another human.

     My instinctive guess is that they make washrooms like this to deter vandalism. Maybe it makes people sit there terrified and insecure that someone is going to hear them scratching the walls or whatever. Just the same can’t someone put their head to the paper and come up with a more up to date solution? One that is void of their personal fetishes that will let me eliminate wastes in the privacy of my own mind if I so choose!

     I was at an all inclusive resort in Mexico awhile back and was stunned when I went into the washrooms. No side by side urinals, nothing but clean nice private stalls with walls all the way to the floor. I am sure there was a guy in the stall next to me but I never heard a thing! Hell they even had some ambient music or something playing! What a pleasure. Because of the enclosed nature of the stall and its own fan any odors were enjoyed only by myself and of course quickly dissipated by the time I was finished! A marvel of modern science which I am guessing they got NASA to help design since no one else in North America seems capable of designing something this good.